I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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