Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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