sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
