How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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