9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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