The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
