party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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