Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
