I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
