I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
