lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
