My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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