Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
