They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
