I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
