Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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