Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
