hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
