Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
