I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
