TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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