like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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