omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
