Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My friends, they love my intelligence
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
