I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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