Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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