U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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