Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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