i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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