dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
