Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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