In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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