i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
