i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
