i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
