I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
