one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm really busy with my period
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