I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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