She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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