Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
