I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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