Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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