Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
