My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
