I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
