I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He passed out mid-signature
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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