Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
