she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
