go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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