he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
