well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
